British Tennis Forum - Celebrating 20 Years!

simon381 · Lower Club Player

RE: A difficult subject

Christine · Strong Club Player

AB1984 wrote:
Again i'm more of a follower on this board than a poster but these subjects are so important to talk about.

So to be open about my own situation, im a 41 year old male that lives with bi polar, BPD and ADHD. I've had problems since i was 14 when a friend of mine passed away.

I would say ive made approximately 10 attempts on my life but none more final than the 29th September 2024 I'd made up my mind that was going to be my final day. When people say to me now you should have picked up the phone i would have listened it really isnt that simple, you are so far detached from reality it's very very scary when I look back but I felt completely in control that day for the first time in a very long time if not ever. Sussex CCC were going to win the Div 2 that day so i was going to see that and sit with my mates in the deckchairs one last time, i took a trip to my local after for a celebratory beer and again to visit and see everyone one last time. I then took myself off and alone, well you know, i wont go into too much detail. This was around 10pm at night im guessing and someone must have either seen me or i was acting strangely because an Ambulance turned up or me, i still have no idea who called it but whoever did saved my life.

I felt a lot of anger towards that for a few weeks after as i began my recovery because i felt the control i had was snatched away from me but I made a promise to myself I was going to do everything i possibly could to not let it beat me. So i attended every piece of counselling I could, saw a very doctor who now has me on the right medication. I sought out alternative methods (some work and some are bordering on witchcraft ) but I did it, now im thriving in all aspects of my life and although i still have my moments i feel I have the tools and above all else the strength and the will to never let beat me.

This certainly isnt an easy thing to write but it's so important that people that are struggling know that there is always another way out, it isnt easy but you can and will beat it.

Thank you for sharing your story, I have in the past been close to suicide, but didn't have the courage and didn't want to hurt family and friends. Once I shared it with friends it made me and our relationship stronger and feel grateful to be alive and enjoying life in my retirement!

JonH comes home · Tennis legend

Christine wrote:
AB1984 wrote:
Again i'm more of a follower on this board than a poster but these subjects are so important to talk about.

So to be open about my own situation, im a 41 year old male that lives with bi polar, BPD and ADHD. I've had problems since i was 14 when a friend of mine passed away.

I would say ive made approximately 10 attempts on my life but none more final than the 29th September 2024 I'd made up my mind that was going to be my final day. When people say to me now you should have picked up the phone i would have listened it really isnt that simple, you are so far detached from reality it's very very scary when I look back but I felt completely in control that day for the first time in a very long time if not ever. Sussex CCC were going to win the Div 2 that day so i was going to see that and sit with my mates in the deckchairs one last time, i took a trip to my local after for a celebratory beer and again to visit and see everyone one last time. I then took myself off and alone, well you know, i wont go into too much detail. This was around 10pm at night im guessing and someone must have either seen me or i was acting strangely because an Ambulance turned up or me, i still have no idea who called it but whoever did saved my life.

I felt a lot of anger towards that for a few weeks after as i began my recovery because i felt the control i had was snatched away from me but I made a promise to myself I was going to do everything i possibly could to not let it beat me. So i attended every piece of counselling I could, saw a very doctor who now has me on the right medication. I sought out alternative methods (some work and some are bordering on witchcraft ) but I did it, now im thriving in all aspects of my life and although i still have my moments i feel I have the tools and above all else the strength and the will to never let beat me.

This certainly isnt an easy thing to write but it's so important that people that are struggling know that there is always another way out, it isnt easy but you can and will beat it.
Thank you for sharing your story, I have in the past been close to suicide, but didn't have the courage and didn't want to hurt family and friends. Once I shared it with friends it made me and our relationship stronger and feel grateful to be alive and enjoying life in my retirement!

That's so lovely to hear and long may it continue!

Elegant Point · Futures qualifying

So sorry to hear everyones stories. Thank you for sharing them - its a subject that isnt talked about enough and takes courage to speak up.

Crispy · Strong Club Player

Hey everyone, just stumbled across this thread.
Ive had a really difficult time recently. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago (first relationship) and Im struggling with direction in life and my job, whilst on paper looks solid, has actually withered away at my confidence.
Im recently medicated for the first time, and am reigniting counselling this week.
If anyone, especially those who are single, are able to share advice about how to find purpose and live intentionally - Id love to hear it. Im downplaying a little how difficult Im finding this, Ive struggled with feelings of shame and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember so I certainly feel quite stuck. Im very fortunate to have a lot of great friends and supportive family, but sometimes I feel I can be a bit more honest when anonymous

Thanks for reading

JonH comes home · Tennis legend

Crispy wrote:
Hey everyone, just stumbled across this thread.
Ive had a really difficult time recently. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago (first relationship) and Im struggling with direction in life and my job, whilst on paper looks solid, has actually withered away at my confidence.
Im recently medicated for the first time, and am reigniting counselling this week.
If anyone, especially those who are single, are able to share advice about how to find purpose and live intentionally - Id love to hear it. Im downplaying a little how difficult Im finding this, Ive struggled with feelings of shame and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember so I certainly feel quite stuck. Im very fortunate to have a lot of great friends and supportive family, but sometimes I feel I can be a bit more honest when anonymous

Thanks for reading

Thank you for sharing Crispy. Im afraid im a bit older and married a long time so probably cant identify in the same way. My son is 28 and daughter 24 and both have gone through their own things which resonate on what youve said. I cant really provide advice but what i do know is that theyve come through their situations well over a few months or more and both seem happier than Ive seen them at the moment. My daughter takes a small amount of sertraline daily and it worked well for her, she takes 25mg still but is planning to stop. My son had some counselling but primarily just changed his own lifestyle when he hit direction problems - Hes reduced his drinking to virtually zero , although he didnt feel he had a problem he felt he was drinking too much, hit the gym, looking for a new job this year he says.

I guess the point is whatever the route, there is a way through this and youll find your route, I know. I hope someone can give better advice than I can but wishing you all the best.

Coup Droit · Tennis legend

Crispy wrote:
Hey everyone, just stumbled across this thread.
Ive had a really difficult time recently. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago (first relationship) and Im struggling with direction in life and my job, whilst on paper looks solid, has actually withered away at my confidence.
Im recently medicated for the first time, and am reigniting counselling this week.
If anyone, especially those who are single, are able to share advice about how to find purpose and live intentionally - Id love to hear it. Im downplaying a little how difficult Im finding this, Ive struggled with feelings of shame and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember so I certainly feel quite stuck. Im very fortunate to have a lot of great friends and supportive family, but sometimes I feel I can be a bit more honest when anonymous

Thanks for reading

Crispy, I'm not really the person you're looking for (I'm not single and I've never suffered from the sort of issues you're describing).

But I know when someone posts something very personal it can feel as though you're opening up, you're 'worried' about the response, it's dangling out there....

And so I just wanted to give my 'love' and support - it's not much but we are a community that cares about each other and you truly have all my best thoughts and wishes

(I also can say that I deal a lot with students, and am very aware of the issues those young people face. But I also have a son who had issues with self-esteem, with living a 'good' life, finding reasons to carry on - I'm afraid I had a very dysfunctional childhood, it would definitely be called abusive nowadays, although I think that's a misuse of the term - anyway, the result being that I cannot help it but for those close to me, I'm a 'tough love' sort of person - he also had all my love and support, both practically and emotionally - but some of that took the form of 'for f***'s sake, look around, don't you dare complain to me etc' - now I'm NOT saying that to you, and I 100% know that it's not what is advised but I do know that he is living a great life now, and that there are many different ways to arrive at the place where you want to be).

Again, sorry I'm not really the person you were asking for. But, again, all my very best wishes - and you can PM me if you want to hear more gems from my 'tough love' philosophy ( biggrin )

Shhh · Challenger level

Crispy wrote:
Hey everyone, just stumbled across this thread.
Ive had a really difficult time recently. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago (first relationship) and Im struggling with direction in life and my job, whilst on paper looks solid, has actually withered away at my confidence.
Im recently medicated for the first time, and am reigniting counselling this week.
If anyone, especially those who are single, are able to share advice about how to find purpose and live intentionally - Id love to hear it. Im downplaying a little how difficult Im finding this, Ive struggled with feelings of shame and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember so I certainly feel quite stuck. Im very fortunate to have a lot of great friends and supportive family, but sometimes I feel I can be a bit more honest when anonymous

Thanks for reading

So sorry to read this Crispy, it is not something I can't relate to on a personal level but I have known so many friends feel similar, very often with no apparent reason from the outside looking in. I wanted to help so much as "just being there" always feels so inadequate. One person described how he turned it all around by what seemed small insignificant things...healthy habits if you like. Dressing smarter than what he used to, eating healthy, taking a couple of brisk walks per day etc. It worked wonders for him but I am not suggesting it would work for everyone (life is rarely that simple)

Human contact is of course essential, are there ways that you can increase that? I am sure several on here would be only to happy to meet at a Tournament and there must be loads of other options(?)

I do hope you can move beyond the feeling of shame and self esteem issues. What you are describing is so common, even more so amongst men but its such a taboo subject. Thank you so much for sharing and please do add to what you have described on here if you feels it helps? If you read your post....you would want to help wouldn't you....so do we!

Blue_Belle · Pro player

Crispy wrote:
Hey everyone, just stumbled across this thread.
Ive had a really difficult time recently. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago (first relationship) and Im struggling with direction in life and my job, whilst on paper looks solid, has actually withered away at my confidence.
Im recently medicated for the first time, and am reigniting counselling this week.
If anyone, especially those who are single, are able to share advice about how to find purpose and live intentionally - Id love to hear it. Im downplaying a little how difficult Im finding this, Ive struggled with feelings of shame and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember so I certainly feel quite stuck. Im very fortunate to have a lot of great friends and supportive family, but sometimes I feel I can be a bit more honest when anonymous

Thanks for reading

Also not single, but I was for a long time (and estranged from family).

Medication is a tool, you may not be on it forever at the dose you're on at the moment. I have found it helped me get to a point where I could cope or engage wirh counselling better.

As for being single - I went to gigs, travelled to Europe, went to tennis tournaments etc. Mainly because if I didn't go, I would miss out on experiences. Most places I found people to talk to.

Then, after doing some work on myself, reconnected with my family (with boundaries in place), got a new job, i went on a date from an app (well I went on several first dates) and several years later I'm living literally on the otherside of the world to where I'm from and have a child with a guy I met on the date.

If meet-up is still a thing, I found that helpful to connect with people. Even making an effort with colleagues at work

-- Edited by Blue_Belle on Wednesday 7th of January 2026 10:27:47 AM

Crispy · Strong Club Player

Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and loving replies. You've all taken time to share your experiences and I really appreciate it.
Shame particularly affects me - I'm a gay man, and it took a long time to accept that part of myself, I'm nearly 40 now. I think shame seems to have affected every other part of my life too, and somewhere, perhaps slowly, I've become quite a frightened and anxious man.
That being said, there's another side to me which is confident and fun. I've been working in the charity sector for a long time now, and stayed in my role far too long. First because of covid, and then because I was renovating a house, and then as my relationship was on the rocks before ending.

The jobs market is so dire, that I feel a little trapped, and I know there isn't enough work to really keep me occupied. I feel like I'm grieving a lot at the moment.

What does encourage me is everyone says that it will get better, and I'm having to hold very tight onto that belief.
Thank you all so much.

SuperT · Futures level

Hi Crispy. It's very sad to hear you say you feel shame about who you are. You sound like a lovely guy and I'm sure you have no reason to feel shame. I'm a lot older than you but when I was younger I was severely lacking in confidence, especially when it came to making relationships with the opposite sex. When all my friends were getting married and having children I'd never even had a boyfriend!! I was convinced no-one would ever want me - and then in my mid thirties I suddenly met someone who liked me and it totally changed my perception of who I was. That relationship turned out to be a disaster, but having finally realised there was nothing wrong with me I found it easier to relate to other people. Eventually at the ripe old age of 39 I moved in with a lovely man who I met at work. Last year after being together for 32 years we got married and I couldn't be happier. I think what I'm trying to say is that there is still plenty of time for you to find love and happiness. Meanwhile enjoy the love and support of your friends and family, and take good care of yourself.

Blue_Belle · Pro player

Crispy wrote:
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and loving replies. You've all taken time to share your experiences and I really appreciate it.
Shame particularly affects me - I'm a gay man, and it took a long time to accept that part of myself, I'm nearly 40 now. I think shame seems to have affected every other part of my life too, and somewhere, perhaps slowly, I've become quite a frightened and anxious man.
That being said, there's another side to me which is confident and fun. I've been working in the charity sector for a long time now, and stayed in my role far too long. First because of covid, and then because I was renovating a house, and then as my relationship was on the rocks before ending.

The jobs market is so dire, that I feel a little trapped, and I know there isn't enough work to really keep me occupied. I feel like I'm grieving a lot at the moment.

What does encourage me is everyone says that it will get better, and I'm having to hold very tight onto that belief.
Thank you all so much.

The job market isn't healthy where I am either. When does the confident and fun part of you come out - maybe try tapping into that.

I hope counselling is beneficial - sometimes it takes a few to find the right fit (I've had some dud ones over the years!)

Tanaqui · County player

Crispy wrote:
Hey everyone, just stumbled across this thread.
Ive had a really difficult time recently. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a couple of months ago (first relationship) and Im struggling with direction in life and my job, whilst on paper looks solid, has actually withered away at my confidence.
Im recently medicated for the first time, and am reigniting counselling this week.
If anyone, especially those who are single, are able to share advice about how to find purpose and live intentionally - Id love to hear it. Im downplaying a little how difficult Im finding this, Ive struggled with feelings of shame and self esteem issues for as long as I can remember so I certainly feel quite stuck. Im very fortunate to have a lot of great friends and supportive family, but sometimes I feel I can be a bit more honest when anonymous

Thanks for reading

Hi Crispy, thanks for sharing with us.

Firstly, as others have said, if you read something like this that had been posted by someone else, you would feel sympathy and want to help, and that's exactly how we all feel.

One thing that helps me when I am judging myself very harshly and engaged in negative self-talk is to remind myself that I wouldn't speak to anyone else in the way I'm speaking to myself... so I shouldn't do it to myself. And to try and talk to myself as the sympathetic friend I hope I'd be to someone else. It isn't always easy but it can help stop the downward spiral.

In terms of work (hi, fellow charity sector worker!), I was recently struggling a lot with work and feeling like I was being undermined and undervalued by colleagues. I ended up having a long and very honest conversation with my boss about it all, and then reevaluated what I want out of my job and was able to agree with my boss what will change going forwards. Now, it may be that your boss is a big part of the problem and you're not going to get the positive response I got from my boss (who was, to be honest, at least partly responsible for why I was feeling frustrated but responded well to me telling her that!) but it could help you to at least put into words for yourself what you do well (because I'm sure there are lots of things you're good at), what a better work environment would be like for you, and what opportunities you'd like to be offered. And then see if you can ask your boss for some changes. (Or come up with a plan to find a new job if changes aren't possible in your current job....)

(Can't help with the relationship advice, I'm afraid, as I've been happily single for a long time.)

Take care of yourself and please do continue to reach out here if you need to.

Crispy · Strong Club Player

Thank you again all so much.

This forum shows me continually that it's a wonderful place of people who care, it's such a wonderful feeling to have found support here. And unexpected in some ways, I certainly wasn;t looking for it. But glad I did.

I had my first session with my therapist today, which was a little bit of a brain dump and disorganised but to be expected. If anyone has worked with a therapist before, can you tell me how to get the best out of them/me? Of course everyone has different needs from one, but what questions should I ask myself to get the best out of them/me?

I certainly don't want to skip stages, as if I can somehow cheat my way to the end, but really ask more of myself and them...and make progress. If you've worked with a therapist, what did progress look like for you?

-- Edited by Crispy on Thursday 8th of January 2026 02:06:57 PM

Blue_Belle · Pro player

In my experience they ask you what is going on/why you are here - so for myself, my most recent time was because I felt stuck in my life, I had made a job change which was a mistake which then lead onto feeling stuck in other ways. I was on antidepressants. I was probably drinking too much.
My therapy gave me tools to not just let life happen to me but take on agency(?). I didn't have to stay stuck in that job - I could get another one. I didn't have to do x, I could do y. And so on. Which then led onto talking about my family estrangement.

I've also,been to therapy to deal with a parental death in my early 20s.

-- Edited by Blue_Belle on Thursday 8th of January 2026 07:32:49 PM